Trust the Science - Geezer Pontification
Team BACON Institute of Psychological Research
Team BACON psychologists have completed an exhaustive study, based on accumulated data hacked from the private accounts of a multitude of unwitting subjects, which reveals the basis of a heretofore unexplained phenomenon. The results of this study have been submitted to a team of scientists who subjected it and its underlying data to a comprehensive analysis of the empirical and counterfeit statistics, in an effort to justify a flimsy theory long-held by a group of charismatic idiots. The results of this analysis and compilation of related suspicions have been subjected to a thorough peer-group review and have been certified as factual by the World Health Organization’s group of Orangutan Savants and employees of the Town of Tyrone’s Bovine Excrement Processing Facility.
Recognized Phenomenon
It is common knowledge that geriatric individuals tend to disseminate information - frequently unsolicited - to anyone polite enough to endure the sometimes lengthy pontification.
These “lectures” typically, but not always, focus on subjects about which the perpetrator has some experience. Many times the information is generic in nature and not particularly specific nor is it exactly on the topic which gave rise to the launch of the diatribe. A pontificator will frequently include a plethora of barely germane material or tangential wisdom if the subject is something with which he/she has vast experience. Inexperience and/or limited knowledge will not necessarily, however, prevent commencement of the flow of verbiage.
The perpetrator always seems to assume, whether accurately or not, that the information is extremely desirable or important for some reason, to the recipient(s). The length and breadth of the screed are typically increased exponentially if it is the result of a question posed by a recipient, even if the request is merely a polite conversational comment instead of a sincere desire for knowledge. A lengthy description of wristwatch construction is not an uncommon response to a request for the current time of day.
Conclusion
The pertinent question, asked by every generation down through the ages, is: Why do geezers do this? Team BACON scientists have found the answer to this perennial mystery.
Every geezer has arrived at his/her elevated chronological status by the passage of time. During each phase of his/her mental development, the geezer accumulates knowledge and experience. Each unique adventure experienced, educational program completed, profession practiced, avocation mastered, or accidental demise averted leaves memories to be stored. The geezer’s brain sorts these bits of data into an organized biological library of “information” which is later utilized as a new task is approached. “Learning” is a term commonly applied to this process.
The size of a geezer’s mental library, i.e. his/her ability to add additional data, is limited by a finite biological capacity. This capacity is different for each individual, as is the ability to sort the data to make it useful. As a particular geezer approaches his/her natural capacity to store and sort data, additional input causes internal conflicts within the geezer’s neural system. These conflicts manifest themselves in a myriad of ways that adversely affect his/her quality of life.
Geezers frequently complain of minor aches and pains, sleeplessness, impotence, frequent urination, loss of agility, muscle weakness, etc. It’s time-consuming to ask a geezer; “How’re ya doin’?” “Gettin’ old ain’t for pusseys” is the geezer mantra. Sometimes these afflictions can be legitimately attributed to specific medical conditions, but, as often as not, medical treatment is driven more by the FDA-approved medical procedure known as “walletectomy” than by actual disease.
Recommendations
Fortunately, we now know the cause and effect of many geriatric complaints. A definitive link between Geezer Pontification and Geriatric Information Overload has been established. The revelation of this link enables us to explain the cause of Geezer Pontification and to begin to alleviate many geriatric medical complaints.
As the geezer reaches the critical point of information overload, the psychological pressure produced seeks an outlet to relieve what we call the “Brain Fart Threshold”, which is that point where additional data cannot be stored without excessive rearrangement and re-formatting of existing info. The energy used in the rearrangement process detracts from the body’s ability to perform its normal neurological activity and thus produces the aforementioned geriatric medical complaints.
The Brain Fart Threshold also triggers Geezer Pontification. The geezer’s psyche views the verbose, lengthy, and detailed dispersal of information as a means, at least temporarily, to relieve the pressure of excess data storage/arrangement. The degree to which excess data pressure is relieved is proportional to the length and intensity of the pontification.
Moreover, the age of the intended pontification recipient affects the efficacy of the act itself. The geezer’s psyche perceives a younger recipient as being able to soak up more of the projected data stream, thereby providing more relief to the overloaded geezer. Although geezers will frequently pontificate to other geezers, they know, on some unconscious level, that this type of recipient cannot provide as much relief as a younger one. A whipper-snapper is, therefore, always a preferred and appreciated target.
To the extent Geezer Pontification reduces the Brain Fart Threshold of a given geezer, his/her normal bodily functions are partially restored and numerous geriatric maladies are reduced or eliminated. Fewer BMWs are procured by members of the medical profession but the quality of life is increased for geezers.
Because Geriatric Information Overload has now been identified and quantified, Geezer Pontification should be adopted as a recognized psychiatric therapy. Geezers should come out of the closet and recognize that their sermons are necessary to mental health and should be unapologetic in the execution thereof. Whipper-Snappers should gladly and politely accept the info dump contained in the pontification and rejoice in the knowledge that they are alleviating the real and debilitating pains of their elders. Imagine a world where patient attention paid to a geezer’s lecture on gun control would actually allow the old fart to sleep through the night without having to get up to pee.
Appendix
This article is the property of Team BACON and cannot be reproduced, or disseminated without express written permission.
It is anticipated that this study will receive numerous awards from recognized scientific organizations. None of the associated prize money will be donated to BLM or Antifa.
The discoveries and/or recommendations herein may not be used by any representative of the Democratic Party nor any Politician affiliated therewith.
Any constructive criticism will be gladly received by Köenig Ratte. Offensive comments or communist propaganda should be stored where the sun don’t shine.
Comments
Post a Comment