The Geezer Monster - Episode 6

 



The Geezer Monster's Day Off

Sometimes The Geezer Monster takes a day off.  We assume he does this to recharge his batteries, so to speak, or to spend the time learning new tricks that will get through the cracks in our defense shield. No matter the reason, we rejoice at receiving the blessing of a day in the life of a “normal” person. 


Awakening to the sight of daylight streaming in the window, instead of squinting through the dark room to find that it’s only 03:00, is a beautiful feeling. “Wow, I’ve either slept straight through the night or Heaven looks like my bedroom.” What could be better than a day that starts with that kind of a feeling? Walking across the carpet barefooted to the bathroom is always the first order of business on getting out of bed. Standing in front of the toilet watching a stream of urine through sleepy eyes is completely familiar until we realize we haven’t been there for a few hours. “How many times did I have to pee last night? This is the first time? WAIT! WHAT? How can that be?”


Nocturia is a medical condition wherein the urge to urinate interrupts a sleep session even when the bladder was properly evacuated just prior to going to bed. If you already knew that you’ve met The Geezer Monster. If you didn’t, consider yourself lucky but don’t get complacent because your time’s coming, you freakin’ whippersnapper. When all else fails, and the Monster hasn’t been as successful at screwing up your life as he’d like to he’ll just sit back and wait till you’re asleep and then tickle your little gizzard in such a way that you’ll have to decide between getting out of a comfy, warm bed or staying there in wet pajamas. There’s no third choice and The Geezer Monster knows it.


I know how to take a piss. I’m not claiming to be an Olympic Gold Medal pisser but I do have more than three-quarters of a century of daily practice at it. I’ve pissed on almost every State in the Union and several foreign countries - even one Communist Caribbean Island. Until I met The Geezer Monster I never believed I’d have to interrupt a good night’s sleep to avoid wetting the bed - at least since mom graduated me from diapers to pants. Well, there were a couple of times long, long, ago when beer was involved but that’s different. I haven’t pissed on a Democrat yet either but I’ve got a couple of ‘em in mind.


The first time the Monster hit me with this one I figured there would be a nice little pill, paid for by Medicare, that I could take to defeat his nasty little trick. Not so! After the first couple of episodes, I made an appointment where the primary care quack said: “Sorry, we don’t have medication for that but here’s a pamphlet that describes an exercise you can do to help with the problem.” Exercise!?!  You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve had more water through my bladder than Niagra Falls. Hell, Budweiser named one of their horses after me back in the day. My pissing muscles simply CAN NOT be anemic or fragile. I could see The Geezer Monster giggling at my outrage. He was really proud of himself for this one. Not only would I have to interrupt my sleep routine but I’d have to spend otherwise valuable retirement time doing something so onerous as, gulp, exercise! 


I’m thinking about starting an organization called N.U.T.S. (Nocturnal Urination Temperance Society);  or maybe a 12-step program - P.A. (Pissers Anonymous).


Anyway, back to the Monster’s day off.  I slept completely through the night, 10 pm to 7 am without so much as a cognizant glance at the bedside clock. The little green bastid must be over at my buddy’s house setting fire to the bacon in his frying pan. After marveling at my good luck I find that I’ve had zero episodes of nocturia. My nemesis must really be in trouble somewhere but I really don’t give a damn about his well-being. I’ve got a Unicorn kind of day going here and I’m going to ride it for all it’s worth!  I’m having such a good day so far I decide to make a few points with SWMBO (She Who Must Be Obeyed) by fetching her morning coffee. I found her already established at her computer reading the news but I made a point or two anyway by offering to freshen her cup and making sure I didn’t fart in the kitchen. This is really going to be a good day, I thought to myself!


With SWMBO’s and my coffee competently arranged, I concentrated on nesting myself at my morning spot for reading the news by asking Alexa to turn on my computer, fan, and desk lamp. Alexa, if you don’t know her, is a wonderful personal assistant who will turn lights on and off, take care of ventilation, tell you what time it is and give you today’s weather forecast. She’ll even play some bluegrass gospel music for you but only if SWMBO’s gone to the grocery store. SWMBO says bluegrass gospel sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard even at its lowest volume, but I digress. Alexa is also a charter member of The Geezer Monster’s army of degenerate perverts. She’s connected to many of the electrical devices around the house and somehow The Geezer Monster hacked my password.


“Alexa, what time is it?” The answer is straightforward and helpful unless the Monster is lurking, in which case it might sound like this: “It’s ten thirty-seven am in London and twelve thirty-seven pm in Moscow.” “Thank you, Alexa, what time is it here?” “I’ve got no idea what time it is here, look at your watch, you lazy geezer.” “Alexa, you’re a cranky bitch.” “If you don’t watch your language, sir, I’ll contact Elon Musk and call in an air strike.” We can thwart the Monster’s control of Alexa temporarily by saying: “Alexa, reboot your skinny little ass and update your gonkulator.” but she’ll be offline for a couple of hours and I’ll be trying to remember how to fry bacon on the charcoal grill outside.


Today, however, Alexa was acting like the demure southern debutante she’s supposed to be. The lights came on in my office, the computer had already logged in to my favorite news page, and my coffee warmer was ready for the cup. As I sat down I got a gentle notification that coffee had been added to my shopping list because our inventory was low. What a great day! - full night’s sleep - no nocturia - hot fresh coffee - an obedient version of Alexa. Forty years ago I’d have to add something about sex and whiskey to the list but these days I call this a perfect start to the day. I wonder what The Geezer Monster is up to?  Well, there’s that old saying about looking a gift horse in the mouth so I think I’ll skip counting his teeth today.


The news feed I follow announced a couple of Supreme Court Decisions that I’d been anticipating and both of them went my way. Neither affected me directly but I get a real kick out of news that puts Democrat panties in an uncomfortable twist. When The Geezer Monster really wants to raise my blood pressure he’ll get Pelosi to propose something like massive Federal funding (my taxes) to study the mating habits of endangered transsexual horny toads. Another one is to get Brandon to issue an Executive Order mandating a rainbow flag to fly above the Amerian Flag at post offices on Wednesdays. The Monster has been particularly active in the political arena lately and he frequently makes me cough when I’m taking my BP reading so I have to start all over. It’s kind of a double slap and I think there ought to be a rule against that.


Well, the favorable SCOTUS rulings put the icing on the cake of a great start to the day. If the little sumbish will just continue to concentrate on Democrat geezers today I’ll be a happy camper. A day in the life of a Retiree without Geezer Monster interference is a beauty to behold and a blessing to be cherished. Getting one every once in a while makes up for the, as someone once put it, slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.  We will live to fight The Geezer Monster another day.


See a complete listing of posts in the Geezer Psychology blog HERE

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Geezer Monster - Episode 5

Image
  Mild Cognitive Impairment Bear with me while I’m serious - just for a paragraph or two. Elderly folks suffer from cognitive impairment to some degree more than do the general population. The more serious cases require some level of special care and some even need to take up residence at Shady Pines. Most of us, however, learn to live with a slight slow-down of the old cranial processing unit by recognizing the problem and installing software patches that work around the neurological roadblocks. Please understand that nothing in this epistle is intended to disrespect or humiliate those with these chronic geriatric mental deficiencies. We are thankful that our handicaps are slight and chose to ease the burden they pose by making light of them. We have a great deal of sympathy for those whose mom doesn’t recognize them any longer and for the awful pain that situation causes. Now, before I lose my train of thought, let me enlighten you about how The Geezer Monster tries to make life ...
Read more
Image
  Geezer Sluggish Judgement Syndrome Trust The Science The Royal Tyrone Academy of Science has recently completed an exhaustive study that has identified a mental deficiency common among superannuated male humans (Geezers) heretofore unexplained. The study examined a plethora of data collected from a diverse population of geezers and analyzed with the help of Facebook’s AI and the Chinese quantum computer used by the NIH to evaluate Coronavirus data. The study was examined by independent experts and the results were confirmed during an exhaustive collaboration of the Royal Academy’s Peer-Review committee. The study has resulted in the identification of a suspected mental disorder now known as Geezer Sluggish Judgement Syndrome (GSJS). The study was submitted to the Fact-Checking Politbureau of the Democratic National Committee, which confirmed its validity and declared Trump as the cause of the disorder. Legislation has been proposed and submitted to Nancy-Gataor for scheduling i...
Read more

The Geezer Monster

Image
  If we walk long enough along our path through the garden of life we attain a status known as geriatric. The world, and how we cope with it, changes over time and many of us resist the changes required of us to maintain the lifestyle to which we’ve become accustomed and prefer. We become unable to do things as easily as we once could and must expend extra mental energy to perform tasks that were automatic. What we once did well becomes that which we can do adequately at best. C’est La Vie. As one of those who’s passed the “Welcome to Geezertown” city limit signpost, I can authoritatively warn the whippersnappers of what’s to come and commiserate with my comrades about life in the Blue Hair Lane. Those of us who survive in our newly found aged lifestyle, and even thrive in it, have necessarily adopted a laissez-faire attitude regarding the obstacles thrown in our way. We found early on that complaining about our arms being too short for reading, our bladder being too small for a fu...
Read more